dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
