No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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My penis needs a shock collar
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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