Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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