i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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