Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
