We're facebook friends in real life
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
