Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
