my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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