She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
