If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
