this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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