My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My liver just had a heart attack.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
