Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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