Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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