The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
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We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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