Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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