first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
