I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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