It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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