just come out here and I will go home with you...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we're making bets on your personal life
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
