Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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