Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize