Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
