Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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