you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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