Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
