I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
