I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
