Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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