I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
