i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
