i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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