her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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