So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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