I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
