kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i think my cat just said my name.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
