You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
