I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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