If you die in college, do you die in real life?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
