what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
