Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
