bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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