just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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