They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
