what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
