Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
