I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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