i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize