I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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