see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
