all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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