Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
