I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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