ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
