I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
