You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
