The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
