he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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